Lerner says our default is defensive listening, seeking disagreements to defend ourselves. Instead, keep an open mind, aim to understand the other person, and grasp the essence of their needs.
To apologize effectively, Lerner advises actively listening to the hurt party without defensiveness. Understand their needs by genuinely seeking comprehension, not just correcting facts.
Apologies require genuine sorrow and vulnerability, not control. Lerner emphasizes the courage in relinquishing outcomes and expressing heartfelt remorse.
Lerner emphasizes genuine remorse in apologies, highlighting the courage to embrace vulnerability and let go of control over the outcome.
Lerner warns against using 'but' in apologies. It undermines sincerity by introducing rationalizations or criticisms, rendering the apology false.
Apologies must be free of 'but.' Lerner cautions that qualifiers undermine sincerity, as they introduce excuses or criticisms, rendering the apology insincere.
Lerner warns against over-apologizing and hijacking emotions. Keep apologies brief, focus on the hurt party, and avoid making it about yourself.
Avoid over-apologizing and excessive theatrics. Lerner advises keeping apologies concise and not making them about yourself, to prioritize attending to the hurt party.
Apologize by focusing on impact, not intention. Lerner advises attuning to the hurt person's needs, validating their feelings, and showing genuine care beyond saying 'I'm sorry'.
When apologizing, prioritize impact over intention. Lerner stresses understanding and validating the hurt person's feelings, going beyond a mere 'I'm sorry'.
Lerner's book highlights how apologies create openings for future communication, not the only chance to address underlying issues. They foster understanding and deeper connection.
According to Lerner, apologies establish the ground for future communication. Done with attention and care, they create openings for greater understanding and connection.